he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Two words: blizzard sex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize