I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
