covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
