I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
