Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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