Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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