Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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