Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
