remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just pee around me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
