I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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