I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
