I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
