drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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