i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
