I cockslap morals
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
