your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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