the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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