I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
smell my finger.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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