shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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