we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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