I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there's paper in my vomit.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
