I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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