he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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