Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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