I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
