He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
