He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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