God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
