Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
