We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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