don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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