Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
