he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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