the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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