I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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