I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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