you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
