he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
