sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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