Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
