How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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