Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
