he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
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Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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