So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
