so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
