I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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