I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
