He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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