idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
