Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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