and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
