I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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