Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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