Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
