I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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