my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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