the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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